13 Ways to Leave Your Lover (When Your Lover is Alcohol)

Breaking up is hard to do, especially when your lover comes in a bottle.

But… what’s that you say? Is that little voice in the back of your brain telling you that you’ve been spending a bit too much time with the luscious Lady Libations lately?

Well fear not, my fellow spirits-swindled companions, for I have devised a list of 13 unconventional, slightly comedic strategies to bid adieu to your liquid lover.

Because if sobriety is the relationship status update you’ve been needing, then it’s about time to change “It’s Complicated” to “Single and Sober.” Let’s dive into this weirdiful breakupery wisdom, weirdiful people!

Ghost Them: In the world of modern dating, ghosting is all the rage. Why not ghost alcohol? Stop returning its calls, ignore its texts, and when you see it at the bar, just walk the other way.
Write a Breakup Letter: Dear Alcohol, it’s not me, it’s you. You’ve been toxic, and I’ve found someone else—Hydration. Please collect your belongings (empty bottles) and leave.
Use a Breakup Line: “We’ve had some great times, and you’ve been there with me through a lot, and stood by me at times when I would otherwise have felt all alone, but I’ve outgrown you. I need to find myself, and I can’t do that with you clouding my judgment.”
Announce Your New Relationship Status on Social Media: Make it Facebook official that you’re now in a loving, committed relationship with Self-Care. Use all the hashtags: #SoberLife, #NewBeginnings.
Throw a ‘Goodbye to Alcohol’ Party: Invite your friends for one last hurrah, but plot twist: serve only non-alcoholic beverages. Celebrate your breakup with style and hydration.
Get a New Hobby: Replace your drinking time with something bizarre and wonderful—like competitive rubber duck racing or extreme ironing. The more obscure, the better.
Swipe Right on a Sober App: In the age of online dating, find an app that supports your sobriety. It’s like Tinder, but for people who prefer sparkling water to sparkling wine.
Change Your Scene: Break up with your old haunts. If you always meet alcohol at the same bar or restaurant, it’s time to find new spots. Libraries don’t serve liquor, probably for good reason.
Pack Your Bags: Take a solo trip to a place where alcohol was never part of the memories you made there. (Depending on how prolific your many flings with alcohol were in the past, that might just mean traveling to a brand-new location!) Discover the joy of waking up hangover-free in a beautiful locale.
Start a Blog: Share your breakup story with the world. It can be not only cathartic for you but also inspiring for others who are contemplating their own breakups with alcohol.
Create a Playlist: Compile all the breakup songs you can find, but interpret them as if you’re parting ways with alcohol. Belt them out at the top of your lungs. Dance like you’ve never danced before.
Seek Out New Friends: Befriend other weirdiful people who support your sobriety. Together, you can explore fun and fulfilling alcohol-free activities. (And you’ll still have all those fun memories the next day.)
Host a Sobriety Shower: Just like a baby shower, but to celebrate your rebirth into sobriety. Have guests bring gifts of encouragement and support—books, teas, scented candles, or even fancy soda.

Perhaps most importantly though, breaking up with alcohol opens the door to a relationship with someone very important: yourself. It’s a journey of rediscovery, filled with insights, clarity, improved health, and maybe even a newfound appreciation for life’s genuine moments.

(On a serious sidenote, in case it wasn’t already clear: none of this is ever intended as medical or professional advice. But if you are considering quitting drinking, please do it under the care and supervision of your doctor. Alcohol withdrawal symptoms can be scary and dangerous.)

In conclusion, remember that embarking on a sobriety journey is not merely about saying goodbye to a harmful habit; it’s about saying hello to a world of possibilities.

Also… you’re not alone in this; we’re in this together, sharing tips, laughter, and maybe even a few rubber duck races along the way!

So, here’s to our collective breakup with alcohol.

And whether that breakup is new or old—may we find joy, strength, and a bit of humor in all our sober adventures.

Cheers (with a glass of sparkling water) to a brighter, lighter, weirdiful-er future!